Why I Wrote this Book

» Posted by on Jul 13, 2013 in Blog | 0 comments

Why I Wrote this Book

I was preparing to meet my friend and colleague Lawrence for “happy hour” at a local wine bar about 3 years ago. I was feeling anything but happy. I was in the midst of a financial crisis.  My husband used an equity loan to launch his business. The business didn’t work out and this quickly spiraled into a loan modification request, which ultimately led to a debt consolidation process.

That evening, I was actually pretty miserable feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was wondering how I was going to get out of our financial mess and the fear was all consuming.

As I was dragging myself to get ready, I contemplated cancelling but I am a big believer in honoring my commitments. So I “acted as if” by dressing nicely, putting on make-up and did my best to put on my “happy face.”

Lawrence and I sat at a comfortable couch and ordered some wine. Lawrence asked me what was going on in my life. I attempted to maintain my professional persona as I let him know about the coaching and training projects I was working on. I felt like I was droning on and on and didn’t feel the least bit excited or energized. The last bit of news I almost forgot to mention was that I started to let people know that I am a singer by adding a link to my email signature which linked to videos of me performing on YouTube.

Lawrence looked at me and declared: “Everything you told me sounds dead except for the piece about singing.”

My professional persona at this point cracked. I couldn’t pretend to keep it all together any more. I started candidly sharing my current reality and innermost fears:

  • Will I be able to keep my business?
  • How can I continue to be a consultant with all the financial fear? Maybe I need to look for internal roles? This felt like death to me.
  • Is there anybody out there that values the work that I do?

The list went on and on.

At some point Lawrence stopped me and shared: “You need to find your tribe. They are out there. You express so much energy around your singing. This seems to be the direction to explore and from there you can find and market to your tribe.”

I hugged Lawrence goodbye and told him: “Sorry I was a downer tonight. I’m not a good liar. I couldn’t pretend that everything was wonderful in my world.”

“No need to apologize” he offered.

I left our date a bit puzzled and embarrassed. Something he said was resonating with me. My tribe… What a concept?! Who are they? Could they be out there?

I also thought about the stories I shared with Lawrence concerning the recent series of events that led me back into singing and performing again after over 20 years. He was intrigued and moved and I recognized that I am good storyteller. My stories are compelling and I have much to share with the world.

A few weeks later, while on vacation in Mexico with my parents and my son Noam, this idea popped into my head out of nowhere. “You must write a book about your life. This will allow you to share your stories and impact people in a positive way. This is a way to turn your mess into your message.”

I was shocked by my inner voice. My higher self was speaking to me loud and clear.

I sat with this idea for a day and the next day the title popped into my head – From Perfectionist to Performer. This title accurately described the journey I was on and I liked the way it flowed (I later changed the title to Stepping into More – Lessons from a Recovering Perfectionist).

I felt anxiety wondering if I was seriously considering this new project. I asked myself:

  • Do I really know how to write?
  • Does anyone care about my stories?
  • How much am I willing to share?
  • How will I ever find the time to write a book?

I experienced much excitement and a lot of fear as I contemplated this new project. I felt like I needed permission to move forward. I examined my fear and realized that I needed to write this book and honor my intuition. I didn’t need anyone else’s approval to move forward. Every fiber of my being was telling me that writing this book would lead to another more positive chapter in my life.

Upon my return home with second-degree burns from an allergic sun reaction (really, could it get any worse?), I quickly decided to start writing my book. The only quiet time I could think of that wouldn’t interfere with my work was at 5:15 a.m.  So I began a ritual of writing early in the morning for 20 minutes. Later, I decided to take a writing workshop on Sundays.

My vision quickly expanded and I knew that I wanted to create a companion CD of songs and ultimately a one person show where I am singing as I am sharing my story. I was actually able to perform a couple of pieces from the book in that manner during my writing class.

About a year later I was finished with the first draft.

Four re-writes and two edits later, I finally published my book! I am uncertain where all this will lead. Frankly it doesn’t matter. Trusting my intuition and following my heart is what the journey is all about when you are conquering Perfectionism.

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